Friday, 1 February 2013

Tears and Goodbyes

This is a post that i genuinely wish i wasn't writing, but in the last week i've really struggled with what's happened and i feel like blogging about it might just help me come to terms with it too.

This beautiful little man is Toby - I named him :)

 He was one of the litter of three tabby kittens that my cat Coco gave birth to almost a year ago. When she first had them our idea was to keep one and find homes for the other two, but as time went by in the weeks that followed each member of the family got attatched to one kitten in particular (in my case this little guy) and when it came time to choose which one to keep, we just couldn't! So we ended up a "mad cat family" with 5 in total. Everybody always said we were crazy to have that many, but each one was such a huge part of the family with their own little personalities that we didn't really care what anybody else thought, we were just happy to have them all.


Unfortunately last week i came home from work to find my step dad in floods of tears. I panicked immediately because he isn't a crying sort of man, and braced myself for imminent bad news.. we'd lost Toby.. He'd been hit by a car just outside of our house and died almost instantly. My beautiful little man was gone in seconds and nothing could have prepared me for the amount of grief i would feel. I cried more than i ever have in my life, my days went by a blur and i felt constantly numb thinking about nothing but him and how much i missed him. 

My friends all sent kind messages and even work colleagues i barely knew sympathised, but i felt like nobody really understood how i felt and it frustrated me that to others he was "just a cat" when to me he was so much more. I think people without pets struggle to realise the depth of love you can have for one little animal

 They love you unconditionally regardless of how you feel or what you look like.. you spend countless hours in their company and share some of your most memorable days. He gave me snuggles on my 21st birthday, he ate half of the turkey on christmas day and he played with the streamers from the party poppers on new years eve.. You don't realise it on a day to day basis but they are such a huge part of your life and when they're gone its really hard to come to terms with in a way that doesn't make you feel pathetic. I know he wasn't a human being, and i know these things happen, but it doesn't make it any easier.


We eventually buried him at my grandparents house, which was actually really lovely because they have the most beautiful huge garden and now he's just a part of it. It's always a happy family time when we visit there, especially in the summer when we're all outside.. so i'm hoping in a few months when the pain has worn off and we're all round there sat in the sun, that i'll really smile and think that he's there enjoying it with us.

I'm not sure if my boyfriend ever reads my blog, but i want to thank him for being my rock this last week. He was so loving and supportive when i was at my lowest and i'm very very lucky to have him in my life. Although i am feeling a whole lot better than i was a week ago, it's still really hard and it'll take a while for me to get back to feeling normal.

So i guess this is my little goodbye.. I love you Toby - Kins, you brought me so much happiness in your short life and I really hope there are lots of lovely cardboard boxes and big chunky carriers bags for you to play with in heaven. Sweet dreams little man x



  1. Oh Jess I'm so sorry for your loss, I have a dog and I honestly couldn't bear it if anything happened to him, I know exactly what you mean about people not having pets not understanding what the big deal is when you lose them but my dog is like my child, that's how much I love him so I can only imagine how hard it's been for you :( I hope in time your pain will fade xxx

    Beauty by Emma

    1. It's nice to know someone understands how I feel, thanks for your comment xxx

  2. :( sorry to hear about this Jess, I've got a dog too and just felt so sad reading your post. I know that when I lost my cat a couple of years ago it was awful. So I know how you feel. We buried her at my mum and dad's garden and it is nice to think of her when we all sit outside. Hope you feel better soon xxx